12:22 p.m. - 2001-06-23
Boston Back2
Currently staying at Naomi called cousin's house. Going to the family house yesterday was scary and scary the day before...to see them that way. I cannot stay at their hoiuse and adapt to their way of living I might loose it with them. Tam was saying the truth to live with someone in an ywayis to give your soul to that pesron or to give your "heart" to them or in some way sacrifice yoiur own sanity to level with their sanity. I have realized that many are "ill" in their own way. Each person's reality is their own world. Eac hperson is his own person. An man in hiself is an island. Maryying and living with someone is risky in and of itself. It is unsafe in many aspects. Then school is not safe as well it is a sacrificing of oneself to be like everyone else. IT it is Risky. Daddy said the first thing I had never heard him say from his mouth in my 18 years existing on this earth: Youi are either too briliant and smart or sick. I was making Daddy feel guily because he uses Hannah to do things. FOr years daddy has been down playing Hannah's ability to do things I notiched it and it is very scary: He said, Hannah you always act like you don't know how things operate, something to the affect of that. But the thing is a parent uses their child to inflict all of what they do not want to be on to that child and the child becomes a victim ofthe parent's vices and sins, and irregularitise; e.g. Hannah is interested in Deron Cloud a Man who exploits the truth of the innatenes in human nature but daddy hates him and the rest is explainable. I feel sorry for Hannah she is the one that daddy and mommy use. None of the m really love me; i discovered that when I came home . I came home and daddy and hannah went out to the store w/o me and Hannah kne wi was leaving i think to Hannah I am just there and not really connected to her in any way. She is so passive and out of it. I must say that she just sits on her mattress in the dayreading the BIble and periodically eats salty foods. Then dadd yit seems like his dreams are dead. He is here in BOston or there in BOston but he is not doing anything. I compare the situation to Ohio and Massachusetts and it is very frigthening. He was out in the boon docks in Ohio but here he is in Massachusetts city, called BOston. THere are more people and that is why he does not go out to venture and work. THere are many jobs daddy could get adn get money to get an apartment that works and I must tell him I need to help that family. I want to help Naomi's family now but I am trying to understand the dynamics of their family now. THe little girl seems like seh is beign called a princess by her father. Its weir dhere in Massachusetts poeple want and need an education because things are more expensive. ITs scar y. Humans, they are scary creatures. THey must be a defectd animal. LIke Tam says, in each man is a universe...I must add, teh universe they create for them selves.
Bethel Church is very cunning i must say David Brooks is cunning and smooth that is how he got mommy mommy i don ot know if she is happy with being married to daddy. I asked her about the ,man whom she was going to marry and she replied readily that he was spanish an d 7t h day adventist. owuld she have been happier with this man? I do not know. Hannah Gouldbourne must have never been loved as a you ng girl. She wants alot of love and she fluorshes in attention. It could be a progressive mind thinking result, her church i mean to say could be a result of her wanting to get love and attention. She calle Naomi to slpeak with me last night. ANd swas asking me to sopend tim e with her. I think her christianity is only one side of her life and it is only part of her charcater, 1/4 of it maybe. But she want s love and attention. I wantder when her husband left heror died, I wander when he stopped loving her i wander if her "reciprocated" -Wonder his love and part of himself to her. I wander if Naomi and Rick are reciprocating their love. I am worried for Naomi. I am afraid the attraction is physcial. Naomi is pretty but i fear that she is somewhat afraid of her future husband. She said to her husand the oter night at dinner when he ofered he ra cup of drink, "Oh that looks nice.." She does not want to buckle her seat belt either when she drives, I am worried about her safety. Ruby's house is scary, she (ruby) is still ayoung girl originating from the hills of Jamaica. I must leave to go to church.
