12:35 p.m. - 2001-08-28
Marriages
Now I am looking forward to the beginning of school.
Recently I have seen so many cause effect things that leave me thinking everything happens for a reason. I mean everything. And it is scary because I see myself influencing people in weird not weird but things they do. I think of how Tam says she turned herself into a cold stone by thinking love is not true unless it is reciprocated(love was not reciprocated in her associations with Felix).
And I keep on thinking about how mommy and daddy should never have married. This sounds really bad I know but I can see where things went wrong just by listening to them talk this morning.
There are four marriages that I am watching now that leave me biting my nails literally: Angela and Brother Mattison,Shirley and David, Naomi and Rick (they are not 'officially' married), Ruby and James (they are divorced). I just remembered typing further down another marriage: Angela and Newton Bailey.
I really feel sorry for Shirley I see her receding back into her sadness. She eats a lot and quickly. But what else can she do when she is not appealing to the person who she dedicated herself to spend the rest of her life with. Hannah is someone who blocks any way she can get to David...i think i don't know, really. But I think that maybe .Last night Hannah stood up and I just told her that she should sit back down because her mother was standing up and telling her something and when i said that mommy did not blink once when she looked at me. the only thing i can think of doing is asking shirley if she would like to go on a vacation to Mexico and if she would like to go with hannah and I. I think that would be a nice trip for everyone. Even the whole family. It would be good for everyone to be happy for real.
Angela is married to Brother Mattison. When they first got married I was wondering where he came from and how they met one another. It seemd foggy .She had never said anything in church about it and she had never requested prayer about it at all. And then on the day of the marriage Angela was sleepy. I don't know. I can't help but say how I saw brother mattison lying in the bed. Is Angela a husband for him (I had a dream that he was rubbing another man's shoulder)...but then I was thinking he should go back to the country where I think he is most happy).And Angela likens to me. Angela should move back to where she wants to. I should call her and tell her to take a vacation somewhere she wants to go. There is something about being where one wants to be and if they want to be there. I had this feeling like Brother Mattison has been trapped in this marriage. He thinks he has to live up to Sister Angela's expectations, but what can I say? He should go back to the country. He has anxiety. He should stop the job and induce himself with deep hypnosis.
I am really fearful about Naomi and Rick. Naomi HAS a mind she does. And I do NOT will not allow rick to kill her in any way iw ill stay in contact with her and talk to her. i fear rick i do. i do. i really do.
Ruby and James were the too perfect marriage and Hannah Gouldbourne spoiled it. Now I know the rudiments of Jame's anger. James is smart. Ruby is smart. They married and were living in Ohio. They were happy something happened though. But their marriage can work. I hope things change when they move into a house. I will ask James to write Ruby a letter (maybe love letter) and ask Ruby to write James a letter. Ruby is someone she came on to my conscience and thinking and helped me to during that time.
Angela Bailey is in her own world and needs to leave and go to Jamaica or live on her own and start a businness for which she is the head. She should start a hair business with her gal friends. Her children could well fen for their own. Jessy should be sent to the Army. Newton should be induced into the arts. Celicia should be sent to the Army. Brother Bailey should live on his own and learn about the things that he has done...it is something how humans do a plethora of things without their truth at heart...it is scary.
