Get your ow
n diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

5:44 p.m. - 1990-10-31
All because I left to go to Ohio I ended up making things worse than I thought they would turn out to be. But now I understand things enough to know that to kill myself would not be the thing to do. Because it would mean nothing. No-one would care really care. Because I would be gone. It would be me. The others would still be alive. I would be equal to a dead ant if you want to put it that way. There is nothing "after death".

I still wish Tam wasn't dead. I feel pain when I think about her being dead. I can't think to think the way I was thinking after I came back from Ohio but that is in the previous entries. The funny thing about the whole thing different people actually talked to me when I was acting certain ways. I was really scared of humans though. They are scary creatures of you aren't one of them...they do things so weird. But today I heard this thing from this kid he said, humans are the only animals that don't kill each other...yeah that's true and it confirms my wary suspicion that if these humans are animals living, eating, and conversing together what other ways are they killing each other. I see how people kill each other indirectly the family system sucks, makes no sense and is stupid...its all so they wont kill one another...I know humans are some defunct animal. I was really afraid during that time. I saw how body language is the 'spirit' and 'soul' and all those things that humans make up to believe that things go on beyond their minds...but it's stupid because nothing is going on in their minds it is just their body language...can't they learn from other animals...I mean the same way a bird has a special dance to say it wants fly or eat or mate the same way humans begin to act when they are in the like mannered mood. Hold on the bell rang and I must enter this. Humans do these things to each other and I will say they 'know' is 'instinct'; they are indirectly killing one another. I mean a mother could try to kill her son pushing him away from talking up or speaking for himself...and eventually his ability to survive in the world by communicating will diminsh and he will become really unept socially.All humans find a way to be higher than others...everyone thinks it is them...they are the different one of everyone but that comes from wanting to overule and matterfactly, eventually killing. When humans see an aspect in them they don't want their public community to see portrayed in another...they will 'befriend' that person and the struggle between the two begins...well it doesn't seem like a struggle: they go out, they eat, they go places together...but they in turn bring each other down and usually fight when they see one another in each other...that's why they stay is basically a human trying to 'find themself' in someone else...that is why they have things called friends...i wonder what sexuality lies in a friendship...i mean people say "we're just friends"....but...Also another thing I have noticed people try and try to convince in their minds of what they know and 'have been brought up to know' when they see a person and they will look at that person and even when making specific statements that they think applies to that concept in their mind that is like the person they are looking at they will make eye contact with that person. I ahve seen it happen...say for example ... ... a person at 'the lowest' animalistic looked at everytime soemthing negative is said or at a place where the person does not want to be. I have had people treat me all kinds of ways...this one person stood over me I felt their heat...this one man stood with his feet spread like this/ and the . is me over me and I . knew what he wanted to do. I will say it it sexual attraction. He was sexually hovering over was truly i dunno what to say... it is the depths of the truth....oh that's fucky... And when you have eyes like someone their eyes will make contact with your eyes...some people even smiled and said hi to are you 'they know me....i mean know understand in terms of likeness of experiences whatever...I have seen how people deal with their innate tendencies to mate....I think that is why humans have diverged into such odd creatures compared to other animals. They will paint their faces, where funny clothes, wear their hair in ways that may scare some and wear clothers that may frighten or turn on other sexually. I thought Hannah might have been sexually attracted to my male side...but oh well. I hear Moby is gay...that would be cool...I think Moby is a collection of everything in one that's why so many and so many different people like him...and sounding extremely fucky..."his message is universal". I think Patrice sensed the shitty side of my character...that's why she doesn't talk to me when I am on AIM ...she must think I'm a dunce.I'm not going to bother with Patrice...some thing told me a few days ago what exactly it was in Patrice that made her hated by the Pham family. She doesn't care...she is a dog...she goes around having sex with whomever...and that is the part of her that got to Tam but then I'm not saying Patrice is bad...but that is what made them hate her...her nochalance to Tam quietness...she isn't a quiet girl so she inadvertantly overrides the quietness in one...and says...well the truth ..."tough luck" (to sum up) in so many of her statements and conversations and even ones with me...BITCH...Oh, and by the way I hopefrom this whole thing some how something has resulted from Tam's death that has caused another to die...Tam's life wasn't one to be gone...she should still be alive... and well...I gravitate to say that those therapists and psychiatrists fucked up Tam's sense of wanting to go on in the world. I think that's all psychiatric hospitals are kill the human that's essential what they do...kill the will to be one...GOD-DAMNED MOTHER FUCKING FAGGOT CUNT HEADS ASS-HOLES SONS & DAUGHTERS OF GUNS that killed Tam



previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!