2:32 p.m. - 2001-11-06
I am reluctant to know how stupid I have been for the past few days. At school it has not been real. I have just been there. It has been a real deja vu experience. But the odd thing is where before...like last year no-one really talked to me to befriend me I have had at least several people make this move with me now. My out of it ness was like when I was younger and in elementary school and middle school...people did talk to me then at the least but now it is weird that people actually made the move to talk to me ...whatever.. .Everything seem(ed)s so '------' up if I can use that word. It seem like mommy and daddy have used this ordeal to go back to the way they were living before we moved to Ohio...yes, I remember Ohio how they treated us Hannah or I or rather me...I have always been blah...the gum stuck to the bottom of the street for everyone to step on or lean back on if you want to put it that way. I miss BLS. I wont say so much because 'there is something bad about categorizing one thing as somthing you like SO much', kind of like the way I liked Ohio. It is weird though...its eiry...subjectivity please set it. Most-God,,,no one cares.
Patrice was writing in her diary about how she misses Tam. I do to. I really really really am so sad that she is dead and alone in that grave. I need to go and do something. It sucks. But its odd though how all of a sudden Patrice is thinking about Tam when I think she would be thinking about Tam. I love Tam so much I wish she was still alive. I wish she could be here now...we could talk. Patrice got all those chances to talk to Tam and I never did.I never did get a chance to talk in-depth with Tam. I remember those times in the biology class. I remember those times when we talked in Biology class. Oh, yeah... people sense my suckery and feed off and take advantage of it...oo what a fun world we live in today in this world today...
I LOVE YOU TAM <3 --------------------------------------- 2:59 p.m. Contemplation...here comes kids from ACC. yeah. I wish I could just go back to BLS...I don't know. It's not like Tam would be there for me to talk to. I saw Leighanne the other day and also Rogette Esteve walking together. They were so happy...oh well that was exaggerated...but Rogette called out to me like "Lydia!" like she wanted me the way I was was. And Leighanne was like "Hi lydia" Like I was a familiar somebody But I'm still trying to process the implications of the beginnings of school. What else. Nothing else. I'm talking to Antonius now. Let's see if he picks up on my drudgery of if he's there at all. People People People. It's odd that I am still looking at things this way but in another 'light'. I hate to think of Tam being gone. I hate to think of those things I see but I am not supposed to see but are there...the realness of the human. Antonius hasn't responded yet. I wonder where he is. Happiness is a warm gun. yes it is. What else I am reluctant...very very reluctant...blockades in sense Ils viennent maintenant ... les 'laughters' que j'ecoute a toujours...ils toujours laugh... ok, i wish Tam was here for me to speak to what else. nothing else. really nothing else... i might go to revere beach by myself not with diana ....i think its funny the way different cultures as they call them all react differently and they all adapt to acting the same way because they see their family members acting the same way. I think its funny. But at the same time some what unfair...I was reading this thing where it said that some cultures such as cambodians are quick to say that they are having pains and then they gradually get sick easily and 'boom, there ya have it' "across the board"...all of the lineage is i would like to say...like minded or as scientists are trying to put it 'genetically structured'.Somewhere needs to be connected seriously....oh Antonius is gone...he was idle for 15 minutes.
Idle for fifteen minutes.