1:02 a.m. - 2001-11-16
Really Inept
I'm going to write this now, there is no denying of this anyway. I have been extremely sad for the past few weeks and I can't shake the sad feeling. School has been horrible...I feel inadequate at school and I can't even process thought long enough to make valid decisions. I feel really scared, well not scared but sitting in the classroom has this indignant air about it. I do not like ACC so far...I mean I know I could have liked it so much more than I am appearing to now but because of everything that happened before everyhting now seems so distorted and messed up ....I do have to go to college and I Do have to graduate from ACC, but I feel reluctant to do this
I feel like I might not have the ability to do these things and that I will slowly become someone who just doesn't do.
I feel bad, I feel like Mr. Howland is kind of annoyed, well not annoyed but like I don't know...It's weird, and then who else the other teachers I just feel inadequate in that light.That is to say in the light that I am not doing the work that I can be doing and being non working. I fear how I will turn out to be by the end of this year...I feel this blunt, kind of solid sadness that is verified or something it seems like a sort of sadness that wont go away quickly but will stay and I will continue to become a bitter person or something...this is what I fear...the thing I fear the most is not being able to graduate from ACC, which is where I am most certain I will stay. I feel apart from the rest of everybody else like I don't know what I am doing...I am quite sure, that today I was the dumbest person in the whole school I wish I could just live in a bubble and still complete things on the outside world.I do like art class today we drew pictures of each other it was kind of weird/scary this girl was like looking at me like I was something weird...like I was a weirdo I feel that same feeling coming on gosh I am the most dumb-fucked person in the world I am sure....I mean say you don't have laughter in a room just
]
put me in there
and I will act up
to fit the face of all laughing
In addition, I don't like the way I begin to see things in people...sometimes it just happens...like this heightened sense of awareness...I really really try to
stop it
but nonetheless it seems unhelpful
I need to read to get into thinking again...I would like to go back to BLS soon...I
if I stay at ACC I imagine myself being bitter and evil looking person who really isn't.
Ok, let me
type what I came down here to type...I absolutely
think...
I always feel this sadness and this apartness that makes me feel stupid compared to others...
bye...
ok, anyway the other day this man was like teaching me right, nad he was done teaching me about philosophy and he said,
Ok, back to school, to me I was like ok, wow...I am that way....I suck
i really miss tam...and it sucks like an animal that she is dead
