6:30 p.m. Whut a \"Day\"! - 10/29/02
I was wondering about the factoid as to whether we have any similar qualities. I have been thinking a lot about hime. Maybe too much. It's really not too good to think about someone too much. I don't know if we relate at all. But I don't know. Also I was writing about how there was this man with red hair at the science building he was smoking and he looked at me and when I passed by he threw his cigarette away in a very disgusted manner. Oh well he might have been disgusted in me. You konw what I think I am typing just for the fun of typing right now. I am going to enter this entry in case it get's deleted. Bye. Ok, I'm back I was just beginning to feel really bad about myself and my plight (i.e. what I'm doing right now). Because these two people came up and started studying(?) in front of me? Well I think I think about him too much. And it's not too good to think about someone too much. Why? Because it could make you uncomfortable around them whenever they are around. Uncle James said something to me the other night. He said. Do you care where I'm going? And I was like thinking no, right then I didn't care. This question by Uncle James made me feel really guilty. So he was like do you care where I am going and I said yes. But I wasn't too sure if I cared enough. So I Feeel really guilty about that. So back to the person who is called the opposite of night...Day. I have been observing him alot. Why? Maybe because I've nothing else to do during the days. I try to stay home and do nothing. So as not to interact and become social again. Daddy keeps on telling me this isn't me. That the way I am acting isn't "Lydia". He was telling me that on Sunday. He was really lecturing me on Sunday. I was trying to listen but it wouldn't really come. So I have been thinking a whole lot these few days that I have been very unsocial being. And I have thought a lot about why things happened why things are happening the way they happen and how they relate to my future. I guess trying to be my own psychic. Can that be possible. I mean people look at you from the outside and see more of yourself than you can see. (Aah this is exercising my stiff fingers) BTW one Sabbath I was looking at my fingers I mean Ethan's hands and his wrists are kind of shrinking probably as a result of the carpal tunnel syndrome. Poor thing. I think this entry is or is going to bwweee eclectic. Aah well. I have been thinking alot. Ok here is how I see things currently. The church is an institution. Ok I am having trouble starting a sentence. The church is an institution. (Somebody started coughting in this library and made me think it was because of me) So the church is an institution. Ok, I'm still not starting. (See what school did to me...I have been thinking that a lot recently . How school must have really messed up my thinking pattern and ability pattern.) So I have been thinking how. Someone just passed by and coughed and clear throat cough making me feel even more guilty I have been feeling really guilty these past few months I feel like a guilty hag lemme look that word up Pronunciation: 'hag Function: noun Etymology: Middle English hagge demon, old woman Date: 14th century 1 : an ugly, slatternly, or evil-looking old woman 2 archaic a : a female demon b : an evil or frightening spirit And I don't know why well maybe I do. Because I did certain secretive things when I was younger and too much. Why did it have to be me. Or rather why did I let myself be like that. I shouldn't have. Did I know any better. So here is how I feel about thingies now. I think that all of the church is out to get me and they have realized that I am the person in the church who is the sinner or the devil I mean is that maybe the reason why I have felt guilty whenever they mention the word devil. I have been visiting this website realization.org it has made me see the side of myself that other's probably see. Ah well. not ah well in a light sense either. I have felt recently that I don't have a good balance of things. So I will talk about that later. So I think that maybe all of the church is out to get me. I wish I was like more balanced or whatever. Because I think ""Day"" knows something about my eating habits or something. He was asking hannah the other day if that was our trash or something. It had junk in it junk food. Ok maybe know that I have written it out. Maybe he was just saying that just to see who and who's trash was who's. Maybe my guilty conscience slides away with the rest of the water that falls down Niagra falls too much sometimes. I am kind of itching to get out of here. Becuase I feel well I feel bad about having to walk out of the building.And I have been hearing things like people saying things to me but it having a subliminal message in it. Like today Hannah I was like "bell" to me on the bus and rang the bell herself and I was like what did you say. And she was like "Ring the bell" and I though she mighta coulda woulda shoulda said "Go to hell". And recently I have been seeing things in a different light. I think maybe that mommy doesn't want me around for much longer. It was fucking funny yesterday at mother Gouldbourne's she was like I don't think Lydia will live to see my age or be alive 36 years from now.(well of course because the Lord will be back by then she is thinking) And yashoulda seen the faces of Mother Gouldbourne and Sis. Angela they looked so stunned. But I have been thinking about how the way I view the world is within my own set of thought's I mean I read this article the other day that has really enlightened me to the facts of the world and the nonfacts. Here it is: this isn't the exact article but it is another article that is much like it: What you think you become so true. This is the idea behind Sensory Goal Setting, Creative Visualization, Sports Psychology and the Positive Thinking movement most known for people like Zig Ziglar, Dale Carnagie and Anthony Robbins. If you picture yourself in negative scenarios you will end up in those scenarios and if you picture yourself in happy, healthy, successful scenarios you will end up happy, healthy and successful. The popular expression "The Power of Positive Thinking" was first the title of a book by Norman Vincent Peale and later came to be a slogan for the whole movement.This idea, that what you think you become, wasn't always common knowledge. The box-office success "The Matrix" was a spectacular metaphor for the what-you-think-you-become theme and even movies intended to be mind-candy now communicate it. In Star Wars Episode 1 Liam Neeson's jedi character tells a young Darth Vader to remember "your focus becomes your reality". This is so obvious to most of us now that it is even portrayed in our highest grossing movies but we forget that it was new to us at one point.Norman Vincent Peale's book "The Power of Positive Thinking" (which can be found in any used book store, anywhere on the globe right next to "Psychocybernetics" for 50 cents) has chapter titles such as "Believe in Yourself", "How to Have Constant Energy", "Don't Believe in Defeat", "How to Create Your Own Happiness", and "How to Get People to Like You", which, while sounding overly keen now, where also published in 1952 and started a cultural momentum which continues today with Neurolinguistic Programming, Neuropsychoimmunology, Personal Excellence Training, motivation-based management styles, success modeling in athletics and dozens of pop-psychology schools. The idea that you can choose your own attitude and intentionally frame and re-frame experiences to appear more positive is still disquieting to many social philosophers. Relativism and Optimism are both often accused of being morally neutral and/or escapist, and they often are, but if if your focus does indeed become your reality then it is just intelligent to think constructively and as is suggested by how normal the positive thinking theme is in popular culture I think it can now be called the norm. Nobody knew the expressions "Self Fulfilling Prophecy" and "Pygmalion Effect" in 1952, but now we all know them as anthropological facts.And people practice positive thinking more.Positive thinking is an active process and requires daily work, even hard work to be successful. It requires new and creative approaches and what follows are some suggestions on how to practice it more regularly. 1) MAKE A SELF-IMAGE BINDER To help me visualize myself in positive scenarios, I have cut out my own image from photographs and pasted them in a binder full of happy and successful backgrounds. For example one of them depicts me in a room full of money. Another of them is me in abnormally perfect health. Another is in a garden where all of the world's ecology problems have been solved. I have pictures of myself for as many positive scenarios as there are words for, surrounded by love, victorious in personal achievements, receiving Nobel prizes, and ecstatic in various fantasy pleasure scenes. 2) LIST PERSONAL STRENGTHS Another positive thinking exercise which I try to practice at least once a day is to make a list of all my personal strengths without being humble and sometimes even going a little overboard just to add energy to the wheel of positively in my own life. Add to the list regularly and make an effort to come up with a few new one's each day. 3) MAKE YOUR OWN HYPNOSIS TAPE This is fairly simple. All you need is a script, a tape recorder and a blank tape. I try to keep the messages and slogans short and simple, things like "Your immune system is getting stronger", and "Do something nice for someone you love to make your love stronger", and "You can go farther than you ever dreamed" etc. You can play back the tapes in the tub, in your car, while sleeping, meditating or just around the house. 4) SUCCESS THEATER As I write this I am working on a heritage theme park in Australia. My girlfriend and I dress up each day and play act roles in a fully functioning town from the 1800's. I am the town newspaper printer. Success theater is very similar to acting in a theme park. Just as you would rehearse for a wedding many times before the actual event, success theater is creating full-scale 3-D mock-ups of critical events before they happen and rehearsing the success. This way when the unconscious mind encounters the important situation it knows how to behave. In martial arts like Karate, students train their muscles to react to virtual threats in exactly the same way. 5) SELF TALK Mohammed Ali didn't just train his body, he trained his mind all the time by constantly bragging, praising himself, recounting his successes and telling himself and others that he was the greatest boxer of all time. I try to have a similar self-appreciating monologue going in my own mind as often as possible. Say good things about yourself, your world, your experiences, your feelings, your body, your talents and your aspirations all the time in an obnoxious exaggerated way and after a while you will start to really believe them. It's easy to think negatively. Thinking positively takes energy creativity and commitment but if you bother it's well worth it. Ok, G'night. I'm out. Peace out. Au revoir. A bientot. Adios. I might write ya more later.