10:55 a.m. - 2002-11-06 Ponder
Ponder
I think I am the only one in the house along with Daymian and maybe Michelle. I don't know if she moved out yet. (Will ya listen to the way I am talking now that I live at home for most of the day now?)I feel kind of intimidated. No I don't. I feel like I have reached a point where I realized who I am chasing around I am chasing around myself. I mean I 've been pondering things alot and I have realized that I have been trying to see myself in others and not giving others due justice. It's weird it first happened on Monday I saw Daddy and he was like talking to me and then all of a sudden he looked like Hannah, and I was thinking how people always say that he looks like Hannah, well I just realized that. He is more sincere than I have been making him to be in the pasts. He is not the person I made him out to be the person I was making him out to be was myself. I was chasing myself. I was trying to get rid of myself. Back to pondering I was thinking I was seeing the devil the other day when Daddy slipped around the corner in the house...he just looked like a cunning person for a second...it was weird. He just slipped by the corner. I hope things improve. It's not healthly to go on this way. Sometimes it feels neat to have moments of 'psyhic' or whatever you call it. But then you go back down to how you already are and you are faced with yourself. But like Daddy said the other day it's like I was trying to defeat myself. It reminds me of a song by Pink that I was singing in earnest the other day while cooking. It's called "Don't Let me Get me"...it's so true. I'm trying to hurt myself because I am not satisfied with myself. I've also been realizing that people maybe see me better than I see myself. And I have and inkling of an idea that people don't like much of me that they see. That does rhyme. But I don't think they tell me. The other day daddy told me for the first time that my breath smelled bad. I mean people normally don't tell me that but the reason why I am telling people that is maybe because my breath smells bad and I am trying to see myself in others. Oh and btw, the other day, this is kind of 'getting to me' Uncle Timothy said "Talking to your Uncle heheheh!!" He laughed like he was laughing about me or something. I don't know what he was laughing about. I just hope it wasn't me.
