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7:05 p.m. - 2005-01-27
kick in my step
I AM AT THE HOSPITAL IN THE COMPUTER ROOM IN THE WARD. OH WELL. STILL HERE. I AM SUPPOSED TO GETM YLISTERINE AND MY SNACKWELLS TONIGHT. HANNAH AND MOMMY ARE VISITING ME TOINGHT. I SPOKE TO DOCTOR MACMILLAN AND HE SAID THAT I CAN GO OUT WITH MY FAMILY IF IT IS A SPECIAL OCCASION. SO I WILL TRY TO GO OUT WITH AUNT MEGGY BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE GOING OUT WITH MY FAMILY NOW OR FOR NOW AT LEAST. I WILL GO OUT WHEN I WANT TO AND WITH WHOM I WANT TO AUNT MEGGY AFTER ALL IS CONSIDERED FAMILY. BUT I FEEL HEALTHIER FOR NOW NOT GOING OUT WITH THEM. THERE ARE THESE BROWN SPOTS ON MY HAND. I WONDER WHAT IS IS OR MAY BE. I HAVE TO TALK TO DR. MACMILLAN ABOUT THAT AND I HAVE TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT MY TREATMENT OF THE TINGLING I HAVE FELT IN MY HANDS. WHAT IF I HAVE A DEADLY DISEASE? BUT I WANT TO GO SHOPPING WITH AUNT MEGGY TO GET CLOTHES, SHOES, A PRESSING COMB HAIR GREASE PERFUME. I WANT TO HOOK MYSELF UP. SO I CAN FEEL MORE CONFIDENT AND BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. I WANT TO PRESS AND CURL MY HAIR.SO I LOOK PRETTIER. MAYBE I WILL TAKE A PICTURE OF MYSELF AND SEND IT TO AVI SO HE CAN HAVE MY PICTURE. I AM GOING TO GET A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP WITH AVI. WE WILL GET MARRIED. WE WILL FIRST BECOME BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND. I SPOKE TO HIM TODAY AND HE SAID THAT WE COULD GO TO FOXWOODS WITH EACH OTHER WHEN I GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. HE WAS LIKE"GET OUT OF THERE" WELL I AM GOING TO GO FOR NOW. I WILL CALL PATRICE. I WONDER WHAT SHE IS DOING NOW. I AM SURVIVIING THOUGH I AM STILL ALIVE. I AM JUST WAITING ON MY HEELS SO I CAN GET A LITTLE KICK IN MY STEP. I FEEL SO MUCH MORE CONFIDENT WHEN I HAVE HEELS ON MY FEET. I FEEL MORE STOLID AND SOLID AND CONFIDENT. I HAVE TO WALK AROUND WITH HEELS IF I WANT TO GET ANY HEADWAY WITH PEOPLE. IT HELPS ME STAND UP LONGER. BECAUSE WITH THIS BODY OF MINE IN HERE IT BECOMES LIMP AND SHY AND REGRESSIVE WHEN I AM AROUND CERTAIN PEOPLE SO HEELS WOULD HELP ME LITERALLY STAND MY GROUND AND GIVE ME ENEGREY AND HELP ME STAND UP STRAIGHTER AND BE MORE ASSERTIVE.I FEEL SHY IN HERE WITH THE SHOES I HAVE ON. BELIEVE IT OR NOT. WELL I HAVE TO GO.

 

 

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