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4:07 p.m. - 2005-01-31
My livelihood
At points I feel myself getting anxious and nervous when people look at me. I get sweaty sometimes but not as much as in 2000 and 1999. It's like after 2000 I stopped getting nervous and could interact with people better and sit in crowds. I think I was put on the edge less and finally relaxed.It's like I freeze up. Anyway I think I have social anxiety disorder and not any bipolar symtematics disorder or szhizophrenia. But I feel like I am going to stop breathing and die sometimes when I get stared at especially waiting for the elevators downstairs. But I have found a way to avoid the elevators by taking the stairs. I am SO happy for this. It makes my nervous probably evitable. Yay! Anyway I didn't go out for a walk today because they were just going to the lobby to stair at each other and then the cafeteria this morning. So no way. I wasn't up for that. Glad Dr. Sellers left me with those library privileges. Today is Monday tommorow Tuesday week will be done soon then one more week.I WANT MY BANK CARD so I can buy stuff offline like MOBY the BEATLES NORAH JONES REBECCA ST. JAMES And other Christian artists. But I have to call mommy when I get upstairs. I am waiting for all my stuff plus I need money. I posted on for someone to come and teach me how to knit. that's cool. I can't wait till they come. Because Patrice emailed me and she said I should do knitting in my spare time. It was funny on the 3faithdialogue livejournal website there were kids saying why I wanted to marry Avi and I just met him on the bus...duh Love at first sight! Anyway they were explaining all the Jewish faith beliefs and the 613 or something laws you have to learn. Huh, I feel so hurried(not to get married to Avi but just in general) I was more hurried at TREE I was trying to make a origami pig and I started to feel like killing myself if I didn't get it. I got over it. I didn't kill myself. Anway. I have to go upstairs. gotta run. bye. actually i' running no where i'm staying on the computer waiting for emails. this guy said he would mail me norah jones free...nice eh? oh well. gotta go might write more of my internet trekking...oh this couple behind me was looking at sex on the computer earlier uhhh!!!

Same day 8:35 p.m. I was looking at a girl who takes pictures on she is really pretty girl. I have just noticed I have nervous problems that are seen as minor by most. like i just well i have known this forever but i just decided to actually say something about it i just noticed that if someone is sitting behind me that i know or feel kind of uncomfortable around like if i think they are different or weird i will get really tired and worn out and nervouse. for this reason i need to leave the hospital and get a job where i don't get nervous. just saying that my ultimate goal is to rid myself of my nervous problems and still be able to enjoy life with G-d's help I will. I love G-d. By the way the jewish faith is really fascinating me these days I will speak further about it to Avi. I Love Avi too <3. :)



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