6:46 p.m. - 2005-02-01
Lie Down as Holy
I have come to the resolution that I have existed a lot better when I have been on my own when I have been in a hospital setting. All of the people make me literally feel bogged down and burdened. I am listening to Audience of One Big Daddy Weave. Talking of weaving I called and left a message on the lady Bev Russo who said she can help me with knitting.
On the other hand I hope to just get out of here and expel all of the repulsive stuff that has accumulated in me while here and at the Carney Hospital before. I just want to lie down my mind and concetrate on the future. Now it seems like I have no future. But when I leave here things will be a lot better. Mommy and Daddy are thinking of not forcing me to go to church so that will support my plan of going to synagogue instead of my current church. I don't know if I will convert but I will worship in a synagogue for now. That is what I have told Avi. Right now for me that sort of religion supports my feelings and my disposition at current. I was just speaking to Hannah about God being the only one but she is bent on thinking Jesus is the only one. Well I think God is all powerful and that Jesus was just his messenger here on earth. All of this worshipping of Jesus I don't really feel. I feel more the worshipping of God; and that is what the Jewish faith does (Orthodox) worship God. The addition of Jesus tends to make things more confusing as to who and what you are worshipping. I want to worship one and that is God. I think Jesus should be respected for what he did while he was alive. But to worship him is another story. I am so glad I am getting this out. I didn't know I had it in me. But it is the culmination of my beliefs. I think the belief of God is sacred sole and holy. The worshipping of Jesus is like the worshipping of Mary. Only God should be worshipped. He is the creation he is everything around us. He has no faults. That is all I would like to say for now. But being before God alone is one of the best things there is. Holliness is God.
