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9:05 p.m. - 2005-02-11
in case i didn't enter this entry here it is

I was just reading this article about bruxism in people with different disorders such as bi-polar disorder taking paxil, or zyprexa and such like. It was interesting it usually happens during the day and a little at night. My mom happened to be overnight and my cousin was next to her and she started grinding her teeth really loudly. Poor cousin. I had a dream about her recently. Tabitha. She was so skinny and modelistic in the dream. Oh well. AnywaysI am worried about how I will manage to keep everything together when I go home.I am worried about keeping things together at home. I am worried worried worried worried. I am on the pinnacle of knowing what I want to do and I don't want it to spoil. I am worried about going to synagogue if mommy and daddy will let me do this.I am worried about how I will get to go out with Avi to Foxwoods. I am worried. I am worried about having fallouts with mommy and daddy and hannah. This is in part because (I just get nervous talking about it) they are doing things but I might not be busy for a few days; so how do I stay out of trouble? Knit? I willl. Knit. Bead. Make up myself with make up and stuff. I will listen to music and try to play it on the piano. I will do those kind of things that Bjorkdoll does. Take pictures. Go on the internet. Etc. Call Avi. All the while looking for a job on the internet and stuff. I will be ok. I will keep occupied so I don't fall out. And run to suh...j/k....but I want to be able to maintain my livelihood. First step get in charge of my bank account. I willl have to get a hold of my bank card so I can do these things like buy make up and buy cameras and stuff. I will need to get my bank card from mommy. I wonder if she will concede. I haven't been responsible with my money in the past because I had nothing to be responsible for yes...but I believe it was something that didn't apply to much..I was working in the past with no specific goals of going to college because mommy and daddy weren't working towards helping me with my college goals (see my mother didn't want to disclose her social security number) There is supposed to be a Valentine's Day party here tommorow and I hope that I can go. It is like going to the Turville Conference Room sitting there and listening to the music...maybe dancing with choice..eeyuk! no-one from the unit but Michelle the O/T(Occupational Therapy) worker. Not to say that I am Lesbian but she is very cool I wouldn't mind doing a round or two with her just for fun. I wont eat maybe just drink these days I get nervous eating. Like today at TREE I was eating eggs with sausage and english muffin. I could hardly down it. It was like bite bite swallow swallow swallow. My left hand has subjected itself to shaking these past few hours. Not the medecine ...nervouse tendencies.



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