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12:35 p.m. - 2005-03-20
I went to the church in the basement of the Lemuel SHattuck Hospital today. It was good he told the whole story (the priest) was catholic but that didn't bother me so much seeing i am a pentecostal person first handely. I am still afraid I have a deathly disease. I did some knitting today. I am so proud of myself I learned how to bind off online by watching a video and also looking at pictures combined. I learned how to bind off and almost binded off my hat that I am trying to make. But I have two stiches left that I have to do something with on the hat. SO I posted on and asked for help. I guess eeryone is busy on Sundays' haven't gotten too many replies. I am listening to Alternative ROck Hits on msn radio. I called mommmy and daddy and hannah on their cell phone and they were looking at houses or a house so "they couldn't talk to me" oh well..sure be too busy for me ....go ahead...anyway this guy the other day was like "She isn't intelligent " referring to me...bastard...anyway.... I will meet with curly haired boy (Maxwell Simon)this week. We will have a snack. What? I don't know yet. Guess what? I was asking Barbara RN if I could call patients on other units and she said are you having a rendez vous with somebody...not only did that make me upset but is embarassed me as well. I don't want my relationship with Max broadcasted around the world. Later on that day I saw her telling Marie Head RN...that was a failure on Barbara's part...I think she might just take her job a little to hard or seriously. I like what I'm listening too "down on my knees today freedom i'll shine up on my feet again..i've got the butterflies...." good stuff...I am liking rock n' roll right now... Back to Max...I found a crossword puzzle book for him...oh i just rembered this blog...My roomate asked me if I am a snake last night and proceeded to ask if I went up her ass and that I will have a baby through mine...i felt like barfing I didn't like what she said at all made me feel sucky. Anyway I found a jigzaw puzzle on the book rack for Max. I will give it to him this week. I'm not trying to bribe his liking me although that's the way it may seem..I just want to give him somthing he likes to do to hopefully cheer him up...."I get spaced out sometimes"...I asked him about why he was flat affect...I REALLY know the feeling (I'm listening to a song "I wont let this build up inside of me" GREAT WORDS! especially for being here...he' s screaming like a BEAR/LION whoever the artist is.)Anyway I know the feeling. I think this is the longest entry I have made so far being at Lemuel Shattuck Hospital..That is due in part to the fact that nice people are on duty today..normaller people if that's a word....(I always had a habit of adding "-ller" as the suffix or prefix thingy to all my words as a youngin'...guess it hasn't rubbed off yet.. like I would say peacfuller/fuller etc. etc.) I really want to buy something that will make me happy...maybe that gamecube connection cable would make me happy...Oh I will get a VISA card this week I have been tossing up what I will spend it on it is only a $250.00 credit card...But "WOE IS ME!" is was able to pay off the $2,500.00 credit card bill w/ my social security money ( NOT TO GOOD....SHOULDA EARNED THAT MONEY MOI-MEME!) anyway I paid it off and got back good credit so I could get this card..happy now..paid it off...i will pay of whatever debt I put on this card. I had to run and get my laundry... 8:15 p.m. This is the same day. Mommy daddy and hannah came brought me 10 spearment gums and 2 soft tacos w/ sourccream..mmmm....i was a n ok day except that monster ronald bradley showed up again urgh!!!!!!!!!! TUESDAY NEXT DAYThe Diaryland thingy is fucked up. SO I had to make an entry in an old entry slot. I just got back from going to Jamaica Plain Centre Street with the TREE group. I bought two beatles cd's after deciding between beatles papa roach and britney speares. but the beatle cd album that i got doesn't work but the single Rubber Soul does. I'm listening to it now. I hope TREE goes well. I always get nervous and uptight beacuse all the people are staring atme. Then after TREE hopefully Hannah visits me. Mommy is supposed to get Cranberry juice, lemon and honey ( I have a cold---again I hope I Don't have a deathly disease) and gum and she is supposed to fill out the form for my ATM card...But as GOd would have it I am one step ahead of her and have a VISA on the way in the mail...I might just buy new music online and a gamecube connector...I was considering buying the new PlayStation PSP but no way! I might buy some shoes too from Payless..I have to figure out a method to pay it back it is 19.9% apr I have to get a money order on the next TREE Trip. I guess tommorow or sometime thsi week but that wont even work ebcause I need the money to make the money I hve to go begging mommy for more money last time I got 40 dollars this time I want 50 dollars....I hope I will ahve enough money to get savings towards a car together. I will buy a car I know it. Yippy I might see curly haired boy ( Maxwell Simon) today. I called him yestserday and sent him a long email too..after he sent me a long email about video games, smoking pot, etc etc..I told him about my little "experiment" with bidis...not even Oh well. AFter doctor seller's is supposed to talk to me about my privilege letter I gave him I will go to the library today. _LYDIA TUESDAY AFTERNOON EVENING Dr. Sellers gave me more privileges "ONE HOUR ON GROUNDS ANY WHERE" he scared me and made me think any where one hour any where off grounds but no know ing dr.sellers...anyway I think I will have a BEATLES evening and listen tomy BEATLES Music while watching the sunset and eating candy I bought from the Expressions Gift Shop Downstairs. TODAY 8:30-ish IS A SITE MAX TOLD ME ABOUT.... WEDNESDAY DAY I just got back from my walk. It was fun. Gradually more walks will make me feel normal again. I will adapt back to the normal world. It was almost an hour. Hannah emailed me about school and clinical and this email thing I sent her about e-crushes...junk to say the least..don't know what I wa thinking. I saw some people from 10 North going to the mall on my walk. I can't wait for this evening. SO far I have an hour to do whatever I want on the unit ( computer) then Lunch at 11:30 then if nobody is sitting next to where I feel uncomfortable I will try to eat my lunch slow enough so that it takes at least 20 minutes. And then at 12:15 p.m. I will go to the library and just dable in some math and such like. Then I will return to the unit at 1:15 p.m. and leave to go to TREE. Then after TREE Is over I will try to hang around until 3:15 and then walk slowly back to the unit so i will get back by 3:20. Then I will wait until 3:30 and go to the library from 3:30-4:30 then have dinner until 4:45 and then go out for my walk to watch the sunset and dr. macmillan walk home to his car and I will talk to Max today and i will let him listen to the Beatles Music i bought RUBBER SOUL I know you're tired of hearing that now. oh welll...boring here...but I will get discharged soon..that will be a plus. Ok, bye... Maybe i should be an EMT (the driver ) seems fun at least to my now discombogulated mind...oh and I have a bad cold...I hope I don't have a deathly disease. -Lydia



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