8:09 p.m. - 2001-04-03
Tam: A Gem For the Earth
I really miss Tam; I visited her on Sunday and told her how I understood and how sorry I was. It is really messed up this whole thing has messd everything up. I dont feel liking going back into the real world again; i told tam that . I just cant I dont konw.It sucks so much. Tam and I could have been such close soul mates; I would have understood and taht is part of the sad part. It is soooooooooooooooo sad I dont want ot keep lving in Boston. It is not a nice city. I finally left Boston latin today; I am so glad; I really wish Tam would have done that. She would still be hear. I want to leave so bad. I just dont know. People are interesting they wil let one go on w/o telling them they are misfunctional and the person wil becom e more misfunctional. I dont know. I wish Tam could be here; she would understand; I feel like therei s no one left on the face of the Earth like Tam and now she is gone. Tam would understand. Oh no I am so tired of here I dont know ; She is a gem in the earth. I dont feel like I can live normally in boston. It is not a good place. It made me ill i t may have made tammie ill to. I wish i could have gotten to know her she talked to me in biology about so much stuff about the school; i feel like ill go insane if iremain in boston. typing these words is very convicting and convincing to me. i dont konw what im going to do ; its so weird everything is messed up since tam died. and what sucks SO SO much is that i could have saved her. I thought one day going to BLS that there is no-one in this whole buildling like me; noone suffering like me. Now I have lost that one person. That one person is gone; that one person who understands and would understand and would know what I felt and what I meant about society and my view of it. Society is like a big suction; it is all learned behavior mixed up into a big programmed existance; i wish tam was here so i coould talk to her; noooooooooooooooooooo. I dont wnat to go out into society again and make people feel bad because I am around; I know people dont like my disposition; they think im retarded or mentally demented (?). I reallly wander why I am here. Society has s o many set rules and regulations that humans conform to like animals being trained and set to run there course. It starts in pre-school, this learned behaviour, this behaviour that is focusing, that is getting into "the rhythym of things" thats why when something is askew all the programmed human can do is laugh and say that person is crazy and has "problems". But it is so weird. I dont know. I keep on thinking about Tam. I have to get out of Boston. But Antonius said that we could hang out some time; i dont think he would like me. I wish I could get to know Diana. She is like a reminent of Tam. I dont konw. How can I say? I am here at UMass Boston and I should be at tarrying with Mother Gouldbourne; another flaw in my existance; I am a black, teenage girl from a "functioning" family, and I a mthe last person that someone would think would be suffering; it makes me SO upset the way otehrs reacted to Tam's death; Wonder what it would have been like if Tam had been a black girl; Daddy would then maybe sympathize a little more; he doesn't thought just because she was Asian; its so unfair i want tam to be here. But then I mabout to catch the train to Ohio, at 12:30 a.m. rather than face an upset and scared family but the only thing tying me to Boston, marginally, is Antonius' offer to hang out , Diana, Patrice and her mother, and Tam alone in that cold, unforgiving , lonely, stupied, unfair, horrid, isolated, alone , graveyard, all by herself; noooooooooooooo; daddy told me today i shouldget over it and that tam's mom has probably started moving on with her life; I dont know, maybe/. But I was thinking if you are bonded to someone by their spirit and you are so parallel to them and they die, how can you not die too. Even her family members, if they were not her equal in spirit of course they could get over her death in a matter of weeks; but if they were close you just cant get over someone's death; Tam was my secret...I LOVE YOU FOREVER TAMATHEA
