1:05 p.m. - 2001-11-13
Sick of Scared Times
Well, it happened, the thing that I most feared ever occuring to me occured, I went 'crazy' I was crazy and everyone knew it to top it off. I went to Ohio with the hopes of getting away from all of the crap and then only came back to Boston to be called crazy, thrown away with people called crazy, prayed for like a mothe' fuckin' crazy person and treated like a crazy mother fucker. I am so fucking enfuriated about that. It already happened. I remeber being in church and Damian passed by and the ass sat right behind me and he said to ethan, she's sick...motehr freaking' fucker...the world's sick for all I even care...whatever, but he was there did n't even say hi to me but said I was sick in my hearing God, I hate Bethel, I hate humans, and I hate non-objectivity that's why I am about to drag my ass to BLS so that I can get back into the jist of things. Because I can't continue going on like this....OK, yeah, I have learned indeed that humans are really mother fuckers..friggin lions in sheeps garments, and that humans are all out to kill no matter what for that is their innate qualities or whatever and that humans are not as nice as they seem and that no-one really does give a fucking' fuck about anyone in the world any way except themselves and that things are really messed up in the world and that nothing is gonig to get better but only worse in the world and taht there are things that I wanted to avoid myself because I didn't like them myself ...but to fuck with all of the above for now...but of course I am still very upset about this whole fucking thing it's stupid ...noone in this whole thing even feigned to love me I was so alone, in Ohio i was so alone some days I would feel this immense sense of alonenness and now I think I am alone again whatever I mean Tam is dead now, Tam is gone and when I go back to school I wont have anyone not that I want or am able to get anyone as a 'friend' but no one really likes me I think they think I am oblivious to everything that goes on around me...even though I wont continue to play the fucking retard at church I will be 'me' but whatever but nonetheless I don't care anymore..but backm to what I was saying I really do need to forget all the fuckiness that I made up for myself that made myself crazy and go on in this world....yes, it IS an animal world...but now I have to accept the fact that I too am an animal and am obligated to the equal share of labor that all humans must committ themselves to in their lifetime. I have to drag my ass to BLS...otherwise I don't know what might happen...I don't know...I feel like crying so much about Tam...I mean, she is gone forever, she can't even come back anymore at all she is dead mother fucker and I am here alone without her...fuck Patrice, and I don't know about Antonius and Diana they are preoccupied with their school work the same way they were when Tam needed the fuckers...the faggots weren't even their for Tam...do into their own thing. But what can I say I was toointo my own thing when tTam died and I didn't even try to help her when I saw her those times ...and now I am saying this but then when I have to go back to school who else am I gonna let kill themselves...damn...this whole thing has been painful and I feel like crying...and like of course which is true there is no-one to relate to ...Ethan is gone...he KNOWS I am a fucking mother fucker and doesn't want to be like me at all...I guess I am that mother fukcing stump in the church that no-one wants to be like...I suck I am a sucker and I can't even be like one person...I just go on with different attitudes and everyone ends up hating me or being confused by me...the part that does hurt a lot is when people think they see part of themselves in stupid ass me, Lydia, and they try to befriend me but it is not worth it because I will resort to be my soul self...the self of me...the self people hate...i know Ethan hates it...damn.................
